Making-Room.ca

It’s been a while since I wrote. A lot has happened in a month or two. We lost both of my grandparents in a span of 3 weeks, and it wasn’t easy. Their deaths have caused a realization, an awakening of sort. Maybe it was grieving or maybe it was realizing how quickly it can all end. How fragile and precious life is! How important moments are! Spending time with those you love and care about is really the most important thing in this life. How you show up for yourself and those you love is imperative.

Lately, I’ve been paying attention to my personal relationships with people – friends, boyfriend, son, sister, colleagues etc. I have started to identify when certain behaviours and attitudes don’t align with my core values and beliefs. I’ve lost friends that simply weren’t going where I am. Although that was difficult to accept, I know everything has a reason and a season.

Today I wanted to talk about words. The words we say to each other, to our children, to our friends, to our families, and to ourselves. Growing up with my father was pure shit. Absolute hell. He would yell at us and tell us we were stupid, ugly, fat…he would call our mom names like “fucking whore” “bitch” “cunt”. He completely destroyed our self-esteem, our sense of safety, and our ability to choose wisely when we chose our partners as we grew up. It’s no wonder both my sister and I spent years being in physically and emotionally abusive relationships with men just like our father. One thing I vowed was that I would never allow any man to disrespect me like this at any point in my life. To this day, it has only happened once. It was the first and last time.

My father’s words destroyed our innocence. I mean, what kind of monster calls their little girls fat and ugly, their mother a whore and a cunt. I can’t even put the words together to describe him. He must have been in some real pain to project such hate and anger onto us. We were so little, we didn’t have the capacity to understand yet he never had to tell us twice to shut up and do as we are told.

My poor sister got the most of the beatings and verbal abuse. He was so mean to her. He would hit her in the face and kick her like she was a grown ass man and then he would call her stupid and ugly and fat, he would say that why couldn’t she be smarter like me. I hated him for that. I hated how he talked to her and made her feel like she wasn’t good enough. My sister is so beautiful, she always was. She is kind and loving. She trusts people and wants to help everyone. Her soul is beautiful. Our father did not make us feel beautiful at all. He made us feel small, insignificant, replaceable. We always had to be perfect and act a certain way so we can please him so he doesn’t get angry and hit us. He used to say to me “looks at how fat you’re getting, once you get fat here you’re done, you’re always going to be fat, this weight stays there forever.” I remember after this talk I would go to the track and run laps for an hour because I didn’t want to get “fat”. His words had such a negative impact on our lives that I’m sure the reason I didn’t know who the fuck I was for years was because his words didn’t allow us to be ourselves. He destroyed our innocence and our self-love. Trying to pick yourself up and undo years of mental and physical abuse is probably the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do. It is for me anyhow.

Because of this, I think it’s important to find a partner that understands you, supports you mentally and emotionally, and isn’t going to make you feel like shit by calling you names. It’s important for people to control themselves and their anger because it takes an instant for that one word or one phrase to unravel everything you had together.

Word are so important. I am not perfect. I’ve made mistakes as a mother because lets face it, parenting isn’t easy. It’s important for me to be honest with myself and with my choices, with the words I use around my son and those I care about. Sometimes anger and disappointment get the best of me and I end up saying things I don’t mean. I take ownership of my actions especially with my son. I never sugar coat things for him and when I make mistakes I own up to them in front of him. I apologize to him and learn from my mistakes. It’s important for our kids to see us, our true selves, to see that we aren’t perfect and we make mistakes, to see that we are strong enough to apologize and never make the same mistakes again.

It’s important to be real, honest, kind, and do things in love. For me, being disrespected in my relationship is something that is difficult for me to overcome. People that love you and care for you should never call you names. I make it a point to tell the person I’m with about my father and the abuse we endured because it’s easier for them to understand why I am the way that I am, or why I feel insecure at times, why I don’t have any room for name calling and disrespect, why I always stand up for myself, and why I feel I won’t put up with bullshit. It’s a shitty feeling being called names. Nobody deserves that. If your partner is verbally abusive, it’s only a matter of time before he starts being physically abusive.

Words can destroy nations. Think before you Speak. Stop and breathe before you spew some bullshit that can destroy your partnership, your relationship with your children, and your friendships. And if you fucked up that bad, be grown enough to own it, fix it, and never let it happen again. That is probably one of the most important lessons I’ve learned throughout my process of growth.

Until next time,

Desi